The last weekend that I was in California, Joyce told me one profound thought (that I didn't digest until this weekend) - which was - that as long as she was uncertain about what she wants in life, that she would only continue hurting the people around her. (there's a back story behind this comment, but I'm not sure that it's all that relevant right now).
Where it is relevant, is that as I look back across my past, I realize that Joyce is right, that uncertainty does cause pain. And on balance, to be fair, uncertainty too has it's place in life. In my world, indecisiveness is a necessary evil of our decision making process, without which, life would either be incessantly boring (for all decisions would be obvious), or erratically random (as we would never know what one thing would lead to another).
The lesson learned for me is that whatever the pain of uncertainty that I feel on my side, it is even more magnified on the other side. We learned as Residential Community Advisors (RCA's) in college that impact is more important than intent (people feel impact, but can only guess at intent). It's always interesting to see lessons learned a long time ago come back into play.
Ironically, I created this blog to share my thoughts with the world. And then the first thing I did, was make the posts generalized enough so that the world would have no idea what I was thinking...
So... What I'm actually thinking. Is that I'm sad right now. mourning the loss of a relationship that never really existed... Yet I would have given everything I had if it had. And despite everything I know to be true, or even what my friends have told me. I still love Cat. For all the good parts. And the bad.
So - what should I say here?
I am hurting. Feeling the pain that represents the vacuum that follows when happiness leaves the room.
To be fair... there are some days that are better than others. But there are more days that I'm not totally sure that it's even worth waking up for.
There's the irony that one solution is to keep busy. Until you're too tired to continue. and then (ironically) feel worse when you start letting people down.
I wish that pain weren't such a necessary part of life. But it's true. Without pain, how can you really know what happiness is?