... Long Letters ...

One Entry. Many Titles.

"A Portrait of Mr. Brice Wu"
I always liked the book title "A Portrait of Dorian Gray". I no longer remember what the book was about, or even own a copy of it anymore (undoubtably sacraficed back to the Campus Bookstore at Cornell for literally pennies on the dollars that I paid for it). But the title itself has always had a special place with me. The title makes me think that I can capture an entire picture (a la a picture is a thousand words) within the confines of the words written in a book. For those of you who are/were english majors out there - I know that the the last statement I made has nothing to do with the actual topic of the book (See "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" - it provided me with some clues as to what the book - that I technically read and wrote several term papers about - my freshman year at Cornell). But anyways, like with an earlier posting... I really liked the title. Its as if I title my entry "A Portrait of Brice Wu", I can capture my life within the confines of the entry. I know its not possible. But one can always hope.

"Life's Little Ups and Downs"
I got into a car accident yesterday. As expected, the split second before the crash translated into two or three thoughts for me. The last of which was: "hmm. I'm finally going to get into my first accident. This can't be good." I believe that the first thought was: "Don't do it." Which refers to the driver who cut off the car in front of me, forcing them (and subsequently me) to slam on our breaks. Unfortunately for me, according to California Law, since I rear-ended someone else, it's my fault. What irks me the most is that the car that caused all of this might never know what exactly they caused. But then again. That's part of Life's Little Ups and Downs. right?

"Things I Never Knew"
Its been ten months since my bike accident. Which in theory probably makes me the only 24 year that I know of to file two multi-thousand dollar claims in less than one calendar year. I think that I'm lucky that I've always liked the concept of insurance (and have thus always tried to keep myself covered - how many other undergraduates do you know took out a renters insurance policy on their own?). But in many respects, 2003 has shaped out to be one of the worst years of my life. 1989 would have been a bad year as well, but the Dodgers winning the World Series in 1988 left me somewhat in a home team championship stupor that made it ok. But slowly, I am learning more things about who I've become in the last year or so. I think that before... before everything associated with moving out here for grad school... before not knowing if I had a place to stay - or financial aid when I first moved here... before learning how to teach people barely three years younger than me... before graduating and not having a job to turn to... before working a year as an intern before getting employed... before it all... I would have locked myself in a room and hid from the world when all these things happened. I thin that before, I used to be overly negative, and hold on to issues longer than they needed to be held on to.

"And Then There Was Light..."
Not that I'm still not an overly negative person... or hold onto things too long. Its just that I have gotten a little better at handling things. I'm amazed that I survived the relative randomness of my life a mere six months ago (before I started work full time). I've learned that some of the positive things in life don't come from accomplishments and accolades... but merely being kind to others... and having others be kind to you...

"But Someone Forgot To Pay The Bill..."
So... even inspite of seeing the light... and in effect... feeling it for the first time. I am still worried. and negative about things. I don't worry about this being the worse year of my life. I worry that this isn't the worse year of my life. That there are worser things out there... and that if I handle those situations like I handle the past two this year (which has been to stress and to worry), how can I ever hope to handle the other issues? Its funny that before, I always used to worry about not succeding. Now I worry, can I handle success should I become successful?

"With a Little Help From My Friends"
And then a coworker of mine called. And said one simple phrase. That made me cry. But made the world a lot better really quickly. It was that "people at work were worried about [me]". (again.) As a person, I was always too cynical and negative to believe that people cared about me in the past. I had always felt as though I was a commodity when I was growing up. My stock rose and fell as my accomplishments did. I was one to be shown off to relatives when I did well. And banished to the depths of my own depression when I didn't do so well. But I guess the single most important thing that I have learned in the past few months is that I am not alone. Or better yet, I don't have to deal with everything myself (even though it is myself that is the cause of all of the problems).

"In The End"
Originally, I wanted to write an entry about how my view of the world had changed. I stunned myself last night when I looked at my sitatuion, and actually saw a brighter side of the issue that I was dealing with (that in light of my accident, I would actually get to take a day off). But then todays events turned downright ugly. My insurance company called to tell me that the accident was my fault. The auto body place tells me that it will take longer than a month to fix my car. But then the call from my coworker came in, and made things that much better. In the end, (as I have stated in past entries...) your view of the situation is important to how the events affect you (within reason). And in light of that fact, knowing that people care about me (or even just say that they care about me) makes me feel better about myself, and that makes the situation better. So. As always. Its time I focues on the good. and let go of the bad. For my own peace of mind.